Great Expectations

I remember sitting in the dark room, on the floor, cross-legged, watching the slide show: white necks wrapped with the arms of black children, classrooms, soccer games, smiles, community, cooking, candles, and clothes hanging on the clothesline ... in the rain.

The discernment process for JVI seems so distant to me now - and I regret to admit that the image of wet clothes, slanted in the rainstorm's winds, was something that attracted me - even more - to the experience. Except I forgot to imagine what it what it would be like when it was my clothes. Until this morning, that is. And it was just as symbolic: gloom, discouragement, struggle, helplessness - all of it is captured by my sopping clothes.

So...

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about expectations. Remembering what I used to expect, oh-so-naively, from this experience in Belize seems, well, rather hilarious. Gosh, what could be so difficult, so overwhelming, when you reduce your state of being to living simply, being spiritual, living in an intentional community of others with the same goals/expectations/approaches to life as yourself, and working for justice?! Actually, a lot. (More than just wet underwear!)

In some ways, I was silly to assume that moving to Belize would ward off any lurking post-graduation transition. I mean, when it comes down to it, I am dealing with a lot of the same struggles I would have encountered if I were working at 99 High Street in downtown Boston (ahem) - I believe I have finally articulated a fearful question: What am I when I am no longer a student?

My job here at St. Martin's Parish is, to be honest, pretty boring. I don't have very many responsibilities, and unfortunately, the ones I do have, I dread. I am finding myself in some kind of unnamed limbo, floundering between idealistic ideas of the perfect job, anxieties towards reaching out for something new, and immense frustration in sitting behind a computer all day, running out of things to look up on Wikipedia. I know that what I'm craving is activity, interpersonal connection, even struggle and challenge - but I also know that I am here for a reason, and that there are no perfect jobs, especially when you're doing them for free ... and moreover, I know myself and I know that there is something inside of me that always expects the most, the best, the extreme.

I'm not worried that I won't find my niche here - I'm just discouraged by my own impatience, to a certain extent, which is precisely where my previously held expectations come in: did I really expect to waltz into some perfectly mapped blueprints with "MOLLY DANE - JESUIT VOLUNTEER" written along the top? Maybe I did, I don't really know.

A distinction I have made between me being a student and me not being a student is the source of my direction. So much of my life has been spent in a classroom or on a soccer field receiving information, absorbing words, taking note of ideas, rules, guidelines, proofs - understanding everything as either truth, or contrary to truth. Everything was linear: you get this grade, you make this level; you play well enough, you make this team. Awards, recognition, work hard, achieve. I had people giving me homework, demanding my attention, telling me to be places, making me run around a track, for God's sake - when I look back on the amount of "independence" I have had until this point, I laugh. I didn't do a damn thing for myself.

Until this.

And, in some way, I did take direction, though it came from something much, much greater. I followed an interest, a curiosity, an inner itch, a calling - if you dare go that far - to be a part of this program, to live for two years in Belize, to find out more about life and what it means to be a citizen of planet Earth. But now, I am lost. My emotions are volatile and are slipping from my control, my schedule is seemingly unfulfilled, my thirst for excitement and adventure remains unsettled and unsatisfied. One roommate just left, three more have already been here for over a year - I am discouraged, confused. I feel alone ...

... which, ironically, is necessary to be independent ...

But still, there is nowhere - besides maybe my mom's couch in Acton, Massachusetts with a cup of hot tea, a bowl of ice cream, and a Red Sox game - I'd rather be right now. And despite the difficult questions it has extracted from the depths of my student-minded brain, I know that I am lucky to have the job that I do. I'm not sure it's the right one for me, but I'm willing to try. And, with even more effort, I'm willing to bide the journey of my patience as it gets to know itself.

Someone asked me recently if this experience is what I expected. Hell, no! But, in a way, that's great! If I had expected it all - the good, the bad, the worst, the strife, the disappointment, the love - then it wouldn't be necessary to actually be here, to go through these daunting processes that only time directs, teaches, coaches. Ultimately, I will find a way to be excited, to be fulfilled, and to feel productive. And I'm not expecting anything less.